Today, as I dropped my 5th graders off at elementary school for the last time, I shed tears of joy…that I never have to go through the car rider drop-off lane at school ever again. I have endured a lot of foolishness from other parents over the last six years. Here are some of my nemeses:
1. The “Expert” Parker Parent – This parent believes they can save so much time by backing into a parking space. The rest of the car line backs up clear around the circle while this person stops, slowly backs in, pulls forward to straighten out, backs in again, pulls forward one more time, backs in again…
2. The Lipstick Smudge Parent – This parent (usually a mom…but not always) has a PDA routine that rivals a superstitious Major League Baseball player coming up to bat. Before their child (or God forbid, children) can exit the car, there is the extended hug and backrub, followed by a minimum of two kisses on each cheek and one on the forehead.
3. The Red Carpet Parent – This parent will only let their child out of the car when they can park directly in the crosswalk in front of the school doors. Never mind that there are a dozen cars behind them and 30 feet of open curb beyond the crosswalk. Their child is just more important than yours.
4. The Secret Service Agent Parent – This parent will not move their car until they have seen their child pass through the doors of the school. If your child cannot make the 20-foot journey from the curb to the doors safely, maybe park and walk them in.
5. The “Procrastinators Breed Procrastinators” Parent – This parent’s child is putting the finishing touches on the homework they didn’t do the night before, and now that mom or dad has got the car in park, it’s time for them to sign all the assignment books, returned tests, behavior charts, report cards, and permission slips (after we take a few moments to read them for the first time, of course).
6. The Paratrooper Parent – Otherwise known as the awesome parent, this person (who bears a striking resemblance to me) slides the van door open as he comes to a rolling stop, shouting GO! GO! GO! as his children clutch their bags and execute a textbook drop and roll onto the curb. “Have a great day at school kids! Knowledge is power!” he says, as he accelerates away (providing he is not behind any of Parents #1-5 above).